It’s time to get into some theory! (She writes with geekiness oozing through the screen.) Truly, I do love me some theory. And, some research. Yet, I’ve grown disenchanted with writing it up in awkward third-person narrative for only the people who have access to academic databases and peer-reviewed journals to read.
Let’s get it into the hands of the people. Let’s make it available and readable to those who could care less about the methodology I used to conduct my research, but really want to know why they had one set of capabilities to show up three minutes ago and find themselves in this moment reduced to the emotional and relational capacities of a toddler. I wrote and published the below article on Monday on Medium.
From Fallback to Spring Forward: Bringing our better selves in times of complexity
Fallback
Do you remember in those old 80’s horror, adventure, sci-fi flicks when the walls start closing in around the protagonist? Think Indiana Jones…or Star Wars. Doorways close, a boulder rolls in to block the entrance to the cave, windows disappear behind the shifting walls. All the while, the protagonist is desperate for a way to escape the impending doom and is forced to become smaller and smaller in an effort to avoid being crushed by the shrinking space he is in.
Well, this doesn’t just happen in movies. This shrinking is also what happens in our psychological self when we experience fallback. Fallback is the loss of options, of capacity, of access to feel, to behave, to think at the emotional and psychological level which you are ideally capable. When we are triggered into fallback, it feels very much like the walls are closing in around us…seemingly forcing us to become smaller in order to survive. The doors and windows that provided options and outlets for us before, fast disappear. The possibilities that lay beyond them, no longer able to be seen or grasped.
As COVID-19 has invaded every shore, with each passing hour, we are experiencing our external world shrinking around us. We are being forced into a smaller space in our exterior lives, and this is triggering the fallback that can constrict our interior sense-making. When in fallback, we go into survival mode, seizing the weapons that are in our psychological reach without evaluating if they are the best defense for the situation, or even if a defense is truly needed. When fallback occurs, it feels as if there is only one possibility. Often, we circle the wagons, hunker down. What these metaphors conjure is a feeling that we need to protect something, but we very rarely experience or articulate it as such. We dismiss it. Often this shows up as blame of others. Sometimes it shows up as shame within self.
Perhaps now is the time to turn inward, to an exploration of and orientation to our inner landscape. Fallback, when we recognize and accept it, can be about understanding when and why we are not able to bring our better self; about reframing our expectations of who we are in this world; about accepting the full messiness that is an inevitable component of being human; about coming to know and love a more authentic version of self; and about cultivating the environments for others to do the same. Turning our perspective inward allows us to recognize the fluidity and multi-dimensionality of the self and the influence of context (place, time, others also attempting to navigate this pandemic, etc.) on who we are able to bring to the table. Through self-reflection during our periods of smallness, we are able to discover the gifts that can only be received from a place of surrender into those earlier but still very present and important aspects of self. We begin to experience how seeking out the gifts of fallback, and accepting them, can allow us to recover, grow, and more deliberately align with our intentions.
Triggered
As humans, we are incredibly complex…and unique. The thing that tethers me back to my smaller self – that part of me that does not contain my full capacities to think, to feel, to behave in a way that meets my intentions – may be different than what prompts fallback in you. However, through my research I’ve identified some overarching triggers of fallback. I see a number of them at play here and now…in our experience of living through a pandemic.
Brain Hijacks Mind
Circumstances of uncertainty, ambiguity, fear and illness – the ones that are pervading all realms of our lives right now – are also conditions that impact how our brain functions. The amygdala, where emotion and primitive flight-fight responses are housed, when triggered by threat, can override the neocortex where cognition resides. In essence, threats to status, certainty, autonomy and freedom, relationships, and fairness – as well as those related to safety and survival…having our basic needs met – can lead to the experience of being taken over by a less complex way of making meaning, of feeling destabilized and at psychological risk (read more here). Effectively, there is a biochemical response to certain stimuli that may temporarily not allow us to access the cognitive developmental tools that may constitute our better self. The protective mechanism of our brain, honed over thousands of years, causes our cognitive mind to go on lockdown. Back then the threat was a tiger. Today, the threat is COVID-19 and the physical, emotional, mental, relational, and financial devastation it is leaving in its wake.
Contextual Gravitational Pulls
When our rational mind is not being trumped by the primal part of our brain, we each possess a set of capacities and a seat from which we make sense of the world and our place in it most of the time. When we make meaning from this center-of-gravity, our actions, thinking and feeling are aligned with our intentions. We often think of this as our better self.
Just as individuals have certain developmental capacities, so do families, communities, teams, organizations, and cultures. Each of these systems has its own center-of-gravity. Occasionally, the contextual center-of-gravity is a little out ahead of you, prompting you to learn and grow, see more complexity, become bigger. This is often referred to as the leading edge. It’s the new pair of soccer cleats that your child can’t wait to grow into. At other times, the surrounding center-of-gravity of your environment matches your developmental level. It supports you being exactly where you are in your ability to take perspective and address complexity. It’s warm and cozy and feels like your favorite old robe. But, in some cases, perhaps at this time more than ever before, the center-of-gravity of our systems, relationships, teams, organizations, states, nation, culture is smaller than we are. It feels pinching and restrictive. It’s the prom dress you try to fit into 20 years later.
These systems and their developmental capacities exert a powerful gravitational pull on our own individual capacities. As those in our families are experiencing fallback, the center-of-gravity of the family system dips. As we talk to our neighbors or our colleagues, or sift through our social media feeds, or read the news, we feel our own sense of self, the world, and our place in it shifting. We are powerfully influenced by the gravitational pull of the contexts we live in. Many of those contexts are operating in lockdown (in many cases necessarily), and we are being pulled back in their force.
Quite literally, how many of us are locked out of the places where our normal daily functioning took place? We’ve been taken out of our familiar circumstances and the kinds of structures and supports that lend themselves to our best behaviors, our highest capacities, have been taken away. This is prime ground for fallback to occur.
Challenges to Identity
The gravitational pull to a smaller space in our contexts and in ourselves is happening precisely at the same time that we are having difficulty locating our selves in this new land. Who we have known ourselves to be is being challenged on a daily basis. Challenges to identity may take the form of major life events, new experiences, or disorienting dilemmas. Disorienting dilemmas are experiences that transform or challenge our perspectives, unsettle our meaning-making, add complexity, and cause cognitive dissonance. In these situations, our normal biases are no longer adequate for describing reality.
I see this in myself as my children gleefully talk about homeschooling, because after all, “mommy, you are a teacher!” I think quietly and alarmedly, “Yes, a teacher to adults! Teaching children is a skillset I do not have!” I was quite clear that I never wanted to homeschool my children. I don’t think I’m good at it. This brings up all sorts of feelings of incompetence, flying in the face of who I know myself to be. Many of us have known ourselves as writers, consultants, coaches, lawyers, print-makers, nonprofit administrators… Now, your primary focus may have turned to supporting your family in different ways, being the primary caregiver and homeschool teacher for your children, allowing your spouse to focus on her “essential” work.
Maybe you’re trying to do it all, and the lines have now blurred. There’s no more separation of home and work. In reality, there never was. The artificiality of our compartmentalized lives has been revealed. We are whole beings who bring the whole of us to every interaction in every area of our lives. Only now, we can no longer deny that this is so. Or expect it to be. When I’m on a video conference, it’s quite likely you will see one of my children bust into the room. It’s even more likely you’re going to hear them bickering outside my door. You will also see the effect this has on me. We are no longer this or that – this in one setting, that in another. We are confronted with what has always been, but what we likely often pretended was not. We are this and that. Both are true.
Perhaps you are separated from your aging parents. Your sense of yourself as a “good child” is being challenged as you decide between caring for the family you have created or caring for your family of origin; as you undertake the risk/benefit analysis of seeing them or staying away.
Each of us is being called on to take up different roles, or even the same roles, but in different ways, or with a different level of commitment. What’s more, we are being forced to do this while navigating uncharted terrain. We are both individually and collectively in the throes of a disorienting dilemma. Who we know ourselves to be – who we are accustomed to being seen as – has been shaken. Challenges to our identity abound in the age of Coronavirus.
Unresolved Trauma
This present moment is exerting a powerful force on our physiological, cognitive, emotional and psychological self. Yet, our past also mightily influences how we are able to meet this moment and see ourselves in it. Unresolved trauma refers to trauma that we may have experienced at an earlier time in life – an earlier time in our development – when we may have been constructing the world in a simpler way. At the time it occurred, we may not have had the capacity to resolve it given our developmental capacities. In order to survive the situation, perhaps we found a way to remove ourselves from it. That has a big cost in that some part of our experience may have gotten bracketed off. The rest of self develops and becomes more complex, while the bracketed self is left at that earlier historical and developmental time. That way of meaning is preserved until we are psychologically strong enough and have the developmental capability to reintegrate the parts of self that were left behind. Until then, whenever we encounter some-one or some-thing that resembles that trauma, we fall back to that earlier stage of development, of meaning-making, of when it first occurred.
For many Americans, this may be the first time experiencing anything like this. Though, those in our military may find similarities to their experiences in service, in other lands. Some of us may be taken back to our experience of the recession in 2008. Those of us who have had to “shelter in place” during natural disasters may find ourselves tethered to those earlier feelings and experiences and therefore to that earlier place in our sense-making. Our elders may find the closest connection to this experience as they recall what it was like to live in wartime.
When we re-encounter our unresolved trauma, we find ourselves in a hyper-alert state, constantly on the look-out for threats. There can be a literal or psychological feeling of our life being at risk. And right now, the territory is ripe with the landmines that may just take us right back to that bracketed off place in our development.
It is important to understand these triggers so that we may recognize them in ourselves as we walk through the field of our current existence. The value of understanding fallback is in its capacity to remind us that we need to be diligent to our own development, to minding the way we show up in the world, and measuring it (without shame or judgment but with a commitment to reflection) against the way we like to tell ourselves and others that we do. A critical component of recognizing fallback is recognizing the triggers which prompt it in us.
Spring Forward: Setting the Stage to Learn from Fallback
So now what? I see myself in the throes of fallback…on the daily. I’m short-tempered and impatient; there’s an ongoing negative loop of thoughts in my head; and I’m questioning my capacities. What can I do about it?
#1 – Get to know your cast of characters
Often when we experience fallback, we tend to think of it as this isolated occurrence, this isolated encounter with this stranger. We say to ourselves, “Whoa, who is this rogue character? Where did you come from?” It can be tempting to seek to deny the small self. But, if we’re honest with ourselves, we likely know these characters well. To be clear, these are not the characters that we generally want to be known as. Yet, we are both heroes and villains. And in claiming the fullness of us, we allow these smaller parts of self to loosen their grip. We come into relationship and truth and authenticity with ourselves and with others.
So, right now, let’s commit to recognizing and accepting that we are not consistent in the way we show up. Not on our best days, and certainly not now. We are not one, constant, enduring self. We are made up of a multitude of characters comprising a full cast. This, too, is me.
#2 – Notice when your storyline is derailed
Next, we need to notice that we are in fallback. If we can come to see ourselves as having a multitude of characters that we access – some intentionally, some not-so-much – then we are able to detect when some of our fallback characters have crept onto the scene, and when the characters that comprise our better self have gotten locked backstage. This is a great opportunity to tune in to what storyline we are pursuing and why it may have gotten derailed.
In every single one of our relationships, in every context, in every interaction, we likely have implicit intentions, a way that we hope to show up and a longed-for outcome. For most of us, this intention goes unspoken, perhaps not even held prominently outside of our subconscious minds. I invite you to bring your intentions in all areas of your life into the light. What are your greatest hopes, your goals, your desired outcomes? Once these are clear, you’ll be better equipped to notice when you are not showing up in alignment with them. When those we know as our fallback characters come on the scene, it’s a clue to us that perhaps the characters that are most aligned with our intentions have gotten locked backstage; and that the grand finale we are heading for may not be the one we had in mind.
#3 Explore your origin story
Once you’ve come to recognize that there are many characters that make up your cast of self, and begin to notice these fallback characters creeping onto the scene unintentionally, the next step is to reflect on what was happening in the fallback scene and to explore the character’s origin story. Ask yourself, “What feels at risk to me…in these moments…in these scenes? What am I trying to protect?” Reflecting on the scenes in which these characters have been prominent allows us to be honest with ourselves about how familiar our fallbacks are, what characters they tend to take the form of, what circumstances seem to beckon them, what feels at risk. We come to know them better. We come to know the set better. We can see where the storyline is headed. And, when these familiar characters come on stage, the usual suspects, we can greet them accordingly. “Hello, old friend. You’ve come again.”
Falling back feels crappy. I often feel small, mean, punitive, selfish, incapacitated…the list goes on. I have lost options, nuance, the ability to show up aligned with my intentions, to take perspective other than my own. Yet, if we pay attention, we may find that these losses point us to a deeper understanding of what we hold most dear.
Our experiences of fallback, wretched as they feel, paradoxically, offer us a gift. They point us to what we value and alert us to when those values feel threatened. Articulating the origin story of our fallback characters, (where and when they were formed, the scenes in which they seem most prominent, etc.) allows us to find the depth in these characters…their motivations, their deepest hopes and fears.
#4 Know when to re-write the scene or ditch the script
While it’s pivotal to recognize the circumstances that contributed to our falling back, it is also incredibly important, now more than ever, that we set ourselves up for success…as much as we are able. Perhaps we need to re-write the scene, or at least rearrange the set. At times like these, we may find that the story itself needs to shift. What worked before in the setting of our “normal” life, may seem like a peculiar story in a far-off land given our current context.
I know I’m going to be short with my kids if they interrupt me while I’m trying to get something important finished, or if I’m working against a deadline. Immediately, I’m going to blame them. Then I’m going to be ashamed of myself. So, I need to figure out how I can get my work done when they are otherwise occupied. Maybe I get up at 5 a.m. to work, knowing that I’ll get a good two hours of uninterrupted time while they’re still sleeping. Perhaps I set more realistic expectations for myself (and my children) and convey them to others to allow more wiggle room with deadlines. Maybe I accept that not much is going to be perfect in this strange new land, and I open up space for “good enough.”
I also know that I have a hard time accessing my best self when I’m tired. Much as I am craving slices of solitude right now given that my family is all up in my business, I know that if I do not get enough sleep, the next day is going to be filled with tears – my own, and my children’s. So, I need to make the choice that is going to allow me to bring my best self – for me and for them. That may mean that I sacrifice the few moments I get these days of wakeful, silent solitude, and I go to bed early if I am now going to get up at 5 a.m. It may mean that I forego the zero dark thirty productivity wake-up call in order to get another two hours of sleep, so I’m able to have more patience with them.
Let’s also recognize that the stories of who we are “supposed” to be may not be valid, possible, or even desirable at this time. Perhaps the screenplay needs to be adjusted. What better time than now to choose who we want to be? The playground of self is one that is still open. Let’s get creative in this space.
With every choice comes sacrifice. We’re going to be making a lot of sacrifices these days. Therefore, it’s important to be intentional about the scripts we are reading from and the direction we are taking. It’s important to make the choices that are going to set the stage to support us in showing up closer to our intentions. And, it’s important to practice self-compassion when we inevitably fall back.
#5 “Yes, and”
For some of us, the challenge of this period will be that we will be isolated from others. For others, the challenge will be that we aren’t able to isolate enough. (You know who you are, sudden homeschool teachers and co-habitating, co-space workers!) In any case, knowing that you are not alone – you are not the only one experiencing far more frequent occurrences of your small self than you would like to admit – is incredibly important. It is important because it will allow you to recognize the gravitational pull of your context and those orbiting in it. And, it will allow you to have compassion both for yourself and for others also struggling to bring their best selves.
Yours is not the only cast of characters in this scene. Your script is likely not the only one at play in any given moment. Now is the time to welcome the improv principle of “Yes, and” which allows us to accept and join with the other characters within ourselves and the other actors in our lives, co-creating a more generative space. This is different than, “No, but” which shuts down the fullness of our options, and that of others, leaving space only for one experience, one set of desires, one direction.
So, who might you be able to share the fullness of you – your whole, messy, human, complex self – with? Now is the time to be honest, to be vulnerable, to own up to those parts of self to ourselves…and to others. And, if you are the other, your role is to reciprocate; to join with the brave soul who has revealed to you their tender, not-so-pretty bits by owning your own tender, not-so-pretty bits. Acceptance…of the fullness of self…small and big…by others, is huge in allowing us to accept and love ourselves…especially those parts we wish we could deny.
Onward
Generally, when the birds are chirping, the breeze is blowing, the sun is shining, when we are not risking life or raising “the curve” with a trip to the grocery store, we have access to a bigger version of ourselves that does have options, capacity and access to be present to our life in a way that meets our intentions. Even still, fallback can happen in the best of times. Even on our best days, you, and me, and everyone around us is going to show up in a way that does not embody the best version of self. We’re going to say things we regret, lose patience with those we love more than life, fall into a funk that we wish even our cats didn’t have to see, lash out in anger and sadness and fear, treat others poorly in protection of our own egos and identities and then tell stories to others and ourselves that justify our actions, feelings and thoughts.
We are human, and as such we are incredibly complex…and imperfect. And, friend, these are likely not our best days.
Our orientation right now is being pulled to the outside world. We are in a state of massive uncertainty, the likes of which most of us have never experienced. And, we are looking out there to try to make sense of it. At a time when our full capacities are most needed, when we would hope to channel the better angels of our nature, everything and everyone around us is signaling a need to lock down.
Yet, because we are human, we have the ability to learn and grow and be mindful and intentional. Perhaps a gift of COVID-19 and the circumstances it has bestowed upon us is that it brings into sharp focus what may heretofore have been fuzzy and unclear. We can recognize that we are not one consistent, enduring self. We have a full cast of characters, and we can come to know them. We can cultivate the capacity to detect when we are not showing up as our better selves, by noticing when our storyline has been derailed. We can be willing to be honest with ourselves (even if we’re not immediately honest with others) about what’s going on by coming to understand the origin stories of our characters. We can heighten our awareness of when the scene needs to be re-written, when the set needs to be rearranged, or even when we need to ditch the script that has dictated our choices in order to set ourselves up for success in this strange new land. We can practice the acceptance inherent in “yes, and,” choosing not to sink into blame or shame in an attempt to reject the pain and loss that will lurk in the shadows if we don’t invite it into the light. We can seek to understand what it is that this aspect of self – an aspect that is as much us as the beauty – is trying to give us, to show us, to protect in us.
There are many circumstances that we humans face that bring us to our knees at the precipice of our sense-making: in our marriages, our friendships, our parenting, our organizational lives, our roles as heads of organizations or those trying to navigate the cultures and contexts of them. And now there is this – COVID-19.
Without an understanding of fallback, a way to notice it, to reflect on it, to recover and potentially grow from it, the darkness that accompanies a greater knowing of self as one develops can be overwhelming and stunting. But, with an understanding of fallback, we are given a gift, a tool, to help us suss out the most profound values and purposes we hold. Let us not allow this opportunity to slip by.
“Let me not squander the hour of my pain.”
— Rainer Maria Rilke
I offer deep appreciation to David McCallum SJ for prompting the writing of this article and for his thought partnership through the process. I’m grateful to Shakiyla Smith, Aliki Nicolaides, and David McCallum for their thoughtful editing and feedback.
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And, if you do find yourself longing to know more about the theory and the research that has been done on fallback, stay tuned. I’ll be posting some resources on this website soon.
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